The final season of Game of Thrones is upon us. With that in mind, we thought we'd help the King Of The North find a worthy queen to pass those long, lonely, nights. After all, winter is here, the dead are rising, and Ramsay Bolton may come back to life. It's best to stay indoors. Jon’s one true love, Ygritte, was killed during battle. Jon mourned, and now he’s back on the dating scene. He had a brief fling with a smoking blonde (literally - she walks through fire), but discovered it was his Aunt. Ned certainly wouldn't approve, and besides, her dragons kept over-cooking Ghost's pedigree chum.
Jon wrote an online dating profile but found he hasn't been getting many matches on pof:
Retired Night's Watch widow seeks comfort in the arms of someone from a different bloodline. Winter is coming. The snow will fall a hundred feet deep. The cold wind howls from the North and pierces my bones. An arrow to my Ygritte, my one true love, took everything I ever cared about. I don’t know if I can go on. But I must. My watch finally ended but the red woman brought me back. I know pain all too well. My brother was stabbed to death at his own wedding. My father’s head was chopped off. My status as a bastard child follows me like a bad shadow. I wonder if it's Stannis? I'm not too sure. I, Jon Snow, know nothing.
Since my brothers kicked me out of the Night's Watch, my days have been lonely. Pardon me for my misery, my fair readers. My soul and spirit feel like they are being devoured by a flock of three-eyed ravens. I don’t even know if I really want to date online, but its cold and the bar scene is fairly quiet of late. After all, the night is dark and full of terrors. But! Fear not. When I am not wallowing about the change of season or my one true love’s death, I am a fun guy who seeks adventure. I love to travel and recently went on an expedition to find my Uncle Benjen. I will kill for my family and those close to me, literally. Ask me about the time I beat Ramsay Bolton to a pulp and let his own hounds feast on his remains. A little more about me. I enjoy cross-fit. The interval training helps keep me in shape for fighting wildlings, and the increased muscle mass allows me to defend the Seven Kingdoms against 55 foot giants. Other than that I like taming dragons, listening to music and early evening sailing with the hand of the king. He's a retired smuggler.
I want a woman that inspires me, can birth me an heir or two, doesn't care about a well known surname, and looks good in chainmail. No Mother of Dragons or red-headed Wildlings please, it will remind me of my Ygritte. And you must love direwolves, as I adopted one from its dead mother. So if you’re allergic, please don’t contact me.
Here are his profile photos:
Jon’s profile is a perfect example of what mistakes many people make online. They might be studs in real life, but their profiles read like duds. Our Lord Commander may have won the popularity contest at Castle Black, but his dating profile will send the local ladies through seven stages of grief. The following are the common mistakes made not just by Lord Snow, but in most online dating profiles:
1) Profile Pictures
Pictures are THE most important part of a profile. Jon looks like Sir-About-To-Cry-a-Lot. Plus, he's always wearing black. No fair lady wants their first date to be at a funeral. He needs to show off his fun side (hint: he's a pretty accomplished rock climber. Next time he climbs The Wall, he should take a Go-Pro), and smile! Need more profile picture tips? Check out this article.
2) Mr Negative
Stop bumming us out. The entire first paragraph is one big pity party. He should focus more on his positive side and less on his long lost love. Besides, you should never talk about your ex in an online dating profile. We repeat. NEVER talk about your ex in an online dating profile.
3) Show, don't tell
Jon is a fairly successful individual. He killed a white walker, became King of the North, and even managed to put up with Samwell Tarly for 8 seasons. However, no one likes a bragger. He needs to talk about his achievements in an intriguing way, inviting questions from potential matches rather than boring them with details. Instead of saying something generic like "I love to travel", he should say "I once got my passport stamped by the King Beyond The Wall." Everyone loves a celebrity hook up.
4) Too Picky
A laundry list of likes and dislikes turns readers off, period. Don't place any emphasis on what you don't want in a partner. Talk about what you are looking for, instead, without going overboard.
5) War and Peace
Lengthy, long-sentenced profiles will make readers’ eyes glaze over like a village donut. Keep it short and sweet, like Tyrion. ***** Here is Jon’s profile, written by the pro's: The heir to Winterfell seeks dog (or direwolf) friendly maiden 1) Spring is my favorite time of year. My hand and I get to play together (The Hand of the King, not my actual hand). 2) I LOVE teaching archery to my village’s children. Seeing their “a-ha” moments when they realize they can take down a 55 foot giant touches my soul. 3) Cross-fit is my favorite method to prepare me to defend the Seven Kingdoms. 4) I once got my passport stamped by The King Beyond The Wall. 5) Ever wonder why you and your loved ones are able to play freely at Kings Landing?
I'm looking for someone smart, funny and adventurous enough to accompany me to the wildling's reunion party. Over 100,000 clans are meeting up and I've got VIP tickets. I am King Of The North after all ;-)
New photo selection as follows:
Combined with the new pictures, this simple, easy-to-read, personalized profile represents Jon as the clickable maiden magnet that he really is. Women will be flocking to their phones to swipe right on his Tinder bio now.
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